bitter memories
PREFACE
The peace of the night was disturbed by wheezing breath of my breath. I look at the empty, enormous, filling my space and, by magic, from the darkness of the mind, fleeting shadows materialize, filling the room with grim laments.
Fragments of life - the time lost in the dark - tired of sleep knock at the door of sorrow on my face and stated his remorse for having wasted whole existence futile illusions behind, losing the road that leads to joy, which leads to love life.
The splendor of past thoughts completely vanished with the passage of time. I have left are only the nightmares with which the mind likes to torment me. What I do not remember any more, at times even myself. It no longer matters to anyone, not even me! I drag my tired in this new reality, surrounded by the indifferent gaze of people who can not see beyond their own eyes and knows that sometimes to stand and fight a life already discounted ed assegnata da chi crede di essere il padrone del destino degli uomini devi puntare tutto su un tavolo da gioco e rischiare di perdere la propria identità al primo tiro mancino della sfortuna. Macabra ruota è la vita, che ti illude e poi ti abbatte come se avesse solo giocato con te o ti avesse usato per chissà quale inconsapevole motivo. E intanto è già notte! Non mi resta da aspettare che il solito nefasto carico di ricordi si faccia strada nella mia disastrata mente. Le pareti all’improvviso sembrano muoversi e tante immagini olografiche si susseguono l’una all’altra, irridendomi delle mie paure per essi e dell’angoscia che mi causano. Volti mai dimenticati di gente che non ci sono più scorrono lenti, ad uno ad uno. Who looks at me grimly, compassionate people. And in any case causing me chills.
relive past actions, past mistakes.
write streams of words about the feelings that make a great man, who do believe invincible. Wasting seas of ink on the adverse moments of his fall, his stomach that tangle of pain and frustration. Anger and anxiety. But I think this - this night - with the hope of my warped mind once again broken I'll find some of my soul the strength to fight the enemy my inner me and not annihilate it.
I
The group of boys sat on the corner of the square that was once a memorial to the victims of some kind of war, and now it was only an anonymous rock covered with graffiti, used as a bench with young people who were not even born when their countrymen were dying so heroic - and perhaps unnecessary - so to merit a monument in the town square, or even know for what reason the young people of their age absurd waste their lives and become faded names on a stone ugly and deformed, that only a fool could pass for a work of art, where stands the dates of birth and of death.
The country had and has a name, but does not make sense to mention it because it is lost in the anonymity of the immense number of large of provincial towns that are known more as a geographical expression for salient events. As well as the youth group was fairly anonymous, with no special features which distinguish it from thousands of other congregations youth. It was one of many groups of kids who were struggling to emerge from the gray of a life just fine for the few and for the many tragic and anonymous.
"I can not go with you guys! If I still do later my father beat the living daylights, "
" Not excuses, "I parried one of the guys in the band, despite it was neither the biggest nor had special skills, but was considered by me and by others as a head just because the father was the former mayor of the town and had a huge wealth through illegal and legal income to his private clinic. "Tell us rather than do not want to come because you have not the courage!"
"You know that's not true, Sandro! You were there when my father filled my barrel to be returned at midnight. Not all parents are tolerant like yours. "
'Do as you think! We go, and think again if you know where to find us. "
The six boys went off with motorbikes and scooters, leaving on foot. In fact my father had never wanted to buy me any means of expression - even if it were a wreck on two wheels - with the excuse that once could not afford those luxuries, and another time for my safety reasons that last came out every time an accident happened to someone on the scooter, even if the poor guy whose turn it was hundred years old and died of a heart attack and if he were to pass close to a parked motorcycle.
It was only twenty, and Sandro had sensed that my father was just an excuse. But it was my fear! I was not a coward, and the only reason why I had pulled out of that story was because I considered it right. Two days before we were taken back by a bar owner and his staff for the noises we were doing in the room. Sandro had the cock and we all got a lot of those kicks and punches to be sufficient to ten lessons. But Sandy was not the type to easily forget such an insult they had been accustomed to have everything in life and never accepted that he was beaten as we had done the rest of the group with humility - as we were went to the search - and, even forty-eight hours later, he had already prepared his revenge would go on the back of the bar in the closing days of that and a couple of Molotov cocktails or a can of gasoline we would have burned. The other children, enthralled by the charisma of Sandro, were enthusiastic about the idea, though some of them nodded but his eyes revealed itself an unspeakable terror. Unfortunately, the pride and the desire to belong to a group allowed him to admit his fear, and gassed by a couple of joints and a few beers, even the most recalcitrant found the courage to agree.
"You are crazy reckless," redarguii them. "Consider that just two days ago we were beaten. We will be the first to be suspected. Needless to go in disguise, so we will know anyway. "
" You worry too much, "caused me blatantly Philip, the son of the police sergeant that the party was the alter ego in a negative Sandro, laughed at by everyone because he could never express a complex thought with his head and stole the ideas of others to make them his own. "The need to pay for what we have done, e poi sarà la loro parola contro la nostra. Non dimenticare che i nostri genitori sono persone che contano in questo paese e quel maledetto barista è un ex pregiudicato. Ci provasse soltanto ad accusarci e vedrai quanti problemi avrà!»
Convincerli a desistere era stato impossibile, e il risultato era che sei ragazzi di sedici e diciassette anni stavano andando incontro a guai così grossi che avrebbero rovinato le loro esistenze da lì alla morte. Se fosse successo davvero qualcosa di grave a quelli che erano i miei amici, non sarei più riuscito a guardarmi nello specchio, oltre ad essere tacciato per codardo da essi, dai loro parenti e da me stesso. Decisi di seguirli con la speranza di raggiungerli prima che combinassero qualcosa di irrimediabile and try once again to get them back on their feet.
took flight in a bus and headed towards the southern outskirts of the town, down a few blocks before the bar in question. The area was almost deserted because it was composed mostly of warehouses and small factories of craftsmen at that time were closed. The owner of the premises, as well as work in the morning and at lunch time with workers and employees of many companies around, took advantage of the quiet night to make his bar a discreet and intimate meeting place for couples or individuals who wish to go unnoticed.
No sign was on the cross and the whole area was submerged in darkness. I walked gingerly on the back of the room where you could see a slight glow. Arriving at the corner of the courtyard looked out and saw two men armed with pistols that the headlights of a car held at gunpoint my friends, piled against the wall, not far from some fruit boxes on fire and extinguished with a fire hydrant still done on the ground. Likely that the boys were caught while they were carrying out the plan concocted by Sandro and were captured by men who were frightened not only by guns but by their hard and grim expressions.
The boys had good reason to tremble like the leaves and hugging with each other to search for a minimum of protection, was no longer a game, and the proof was right before their eyes, not far from the group was another man - whom I recognized as the owner of the bar - intent on punching and kicking Sandro, who was unable to defend themselves or protect themselves from the hail of blows as almost completely devoid of meaning. The two guns terrorized the other five guys that could not even lift a finger in defense of his or pronounce words in his defense despite the man literally killing themselves. And all the political and economic weight of the famous parent could not do anything to escape the blind fury of the man who struck him in the head and body, maybe without even realizing that one shot of those could kill him. I could not watch impassively on the scene and left the corner buio urlando e inveendo contro l’uomo che stava uccidendo il mio migliore amico. Gli saltai addosso scaraventandolo a terra, rimanendo avvinghiato a lui affinché i due suoi compagni armati non potessero usare le loro armi per colpirmi.
Il proprietario del bar, ripresosi dalla sorpresa, riuscì a infilare una mano nella tasca posteriore dei pantaloni e tirare un coltello a scatto. Fu più la paura di essere colpito che non la lucidità a far sì che afferrassi saldamente la mano armata dell’altro e l’alzassi di colpo per allontanarla dal mio stomaco. E fu per una vera casualità che il coltello si conficcasse proprio sotto lo sterno dell’uomo, sparendo del tutto nel suo corpo.
Vistolo immobile, mi allontanai by him, forgetting all the other two men armed with shock caused me by thinking that the man had died by my hand, giving them the ability to shoot without fail. More than the pain of the bullets that I stuck in the side, back and thigh, were just what I heard the roar of gunfire and the screams of my friends. I lifted my face and saw the two men fled - probably they were affected or their weapons were not reported - only to see nothing but darkness. A darkness so thick that no night or no underground cave can ever create.
II
I opened my eyes finding myself in a hospital room. But perhaps I should accurately dire che socchiusi appena gli occhi, procurandomi parecchio dolore per quel semplice movimento. Come se le palpebre avessero perduto elasticità per non essere state usate per molto tempo. E così era stato! Ero stato in coma per quasi due anni, come seppi in seguito. Appena riuscii a focalizzare la scena nella stanza, vidi seduto su una sedia a sdraio il mio burbero e severo padre che sembrava invecchiato di venti anni dall’ultima volta che l’avessi visto. Lo guardai solo per un attimo nella sua posizione semisdraiata e capii allora che le volte che mi prendeva la mano e mi parlava piangendo come un bambino non era stato un sogno. Era mio padre che mi sussurrava di non arrendermi e di trovare in fondo alla mia anima la forza per superare quella terribile agonia. My father was my savior! And the severity of his parent was not a lack of love for her only son but was due to the fear that I did not grow up as he considers just and as it deems appropriate based on its civic education and its mentality.
Great was his joy when I opened my eyes completely and tried to articulate a few words, having only to make a sound hoarse and out of tune. But God! Because even if I could move some fingers, I could not get up and return his embrace? What had happened to me? I knew in the days following what had really happened, and what happened after I fainted. Me and the bartender we were found only in the morning after by attendants who had come to open the bar. We were taken to hospital where the bartender bled to death and I went into a coma. If instead of escaping my friends or friends of the bartender had alerted someone and they help only a couple of hours before, the man would survive and I would not have come so close to death.
Among the tears my father told me about those terrible months. The shame that tried him and my whole family when investigators said the shooting on the news that will surely el'accoltellamento was a settling of scores or a dirty story where the young drug dealer had killed his wholesaler - affected by issues relating to the store and possession of drugs - And had been wounded by accomplices of the latter.
"So now I'll end up in jail?" I asked my sweet parents who had always dreamed for a better future, the only son of his. There were tears in his answer and at the same time I had the answer to why I could barely move his head and hands and felt my body finally just after the bust. I followed her gaze anguished stood leaning against the wall to a wheelchair, and was not more words, explanations are no longer needed.
"Nooo!" I shouted with what little breath I had in my throat.
Not so! It was not fair that it should end my life! But the hours in which the lumbar vertebrae was leaked il midollo spinale erano state troppe, e se pure ci fosse stata una sola possibilità per salvarmi le gambe, mi era stata preclusa dalla codardia dei miei amici che mi avevano abbandonato come un cane rognoso fra le cassette della frutta bruciate da loro stessi.
L’unica speranza che i medici avevano dato ai miei genitori era che dopo l’uscita dal coma avvenisse un miracolo e i miei organi vitali incominciassero a funzionare meglio, ma i miracoli si contano sulle dita, e non era scritto che per me ci potesse essere un motivo per sperare in un miglioramento. Anzi la diagnosi fu che con il tempo la paralisi degenerasse e io sarei arrivato ad essere completamente paralizzato tanto da dover essere nutrito dalle macchine.
III
The next twenty years were spent trying to create me my own little world, despite the physical handicap, and although it is more politically correct to define a differently-abled, according to the psychologist's my biggest problem was always that I felt a person with a serious handicap and did not accept the resignation with my condition. The soccer field and the square where we had been chasing too vivid in my mind, and any day of my tortured existence I could forget those happy years. I wanted to say not once but a hundred times to a specialist who followed me and wrote page after page on my mental state, what he had done if he were in my place. How could I accept it? But in the meantime vivevo la mia triste esistenza, confortato dalla mia famiglia che aveva votato la propria esistenza per lo sfortunato parente che non riusciva ad accettare quella sua condizione fisica e sempre di più si esasperava e si disperava.
Una volte mi venne in mente di ripulire il mio nome da tutto il fango che ci avevano buttato sopra gli inquirenti e i giornali e raccontai ad un avvocato tutta la faccenda del mio incidente dopo che fossi stato zitto per oltre un ventennio. Lui disse che conveniva prima rivolgersi a qualche magistrato conosciuto per vedere se fosse stato possibile riaprire un’inchiesta chiusa tanti anni prima. Gli diedi i nomi degli altri ragazzi presenti la sera del dramma, talora potessero essere rintracciati e con le loro dichiarazioni a conforto delle mie parole fosse stato più facile convincere il magistrato di riaprire l’inchiesta, ma ebbi l’effetto contrario e il professionista deglutì di colpo leggendo quei nomi. Il suo amico magistrato era proprio Filippo, il figlio del maresciallo che io rispettavo meno di niente poiché era sempre stato pronto a mettersi dalla parte dei forti per vessare i più deboli. Considerando il suo carattere, era impensabile che lui si mettesse a difendere i deboli ma più probabilmente li avesse vessati ulteriormente divenendo ancor di più un servo dei potenti, sfruttando il suo ruolo di magistrato. L’altro nome che aveva lasciato basito il legale, ancor di più di sapere che uno di quei ragazzi che egli stesso aveva appena criticato aspramente, hearing my story, was his friend, judge, was that of my dear friend Sandy, who became the first doctor and then political, emulating his father in everything, even in the current policy.
What did my office, after exacting a substantial deposit for the first expenses, nearly squandering the current account of my father and little savings they had accumulated personally with my small disability pension, was to deceive us by saying that for months had moved heaven and earth, when in the end we found out from the Registry of the court that he had not filed any application or request to anyone and his only words were spoken to the wind. But after so many years of silence had become imperative in my desire to clarify the history and rehabilitate my name. Aware that my lawyer would not lift a finger and was also so cunning to come asking for more money, hoping to trick me further, I wrote personally to Philip and Sandra, a blatantly threatening my statement of facts by the press or by some tabloid , muddying their names to avenge that years earlier had been put to shame my name because of their recklessness.
Philip replied to my letter with another letter, not even deserve a phone call, writing that a person suspected of being part of a gang of drug dealers, who had spotted the bargain of a heinous crime such as murder and that, moreover, because of his physical disability had not even paid for their crime had nothing in common, and he was sure of not having ever known in my youth. Sandy sent me a lawyer threatened to sue the other times I meant to tell absurd version of the fruit of my sick imagination. So I prayed to her lawyer to give him a letter, which in the name of that once bound us and my attempt to save his life that had caused so many misfortunes, I asked him to give me a hand in the project I had in mind.
"Dear friend," he wrote. "I ask you one big favor: to cause to be taken into consideration my request to end this daily torment and I are given the opportunity to decide myself of my life now that my mental faculties are still in operation and are considered capable of consent. My illness is irreversible and I will soon be reduced to a vegetable. Before that I would like to end my existence chemically. I am aware that your current policy - Close to Catholics and conservatives - has always been opposed to euthanasia, and have always fought even living wills. But I remember in the old days I call to give me a hand. I ask only the freedom to die keeping my dignity as a man. Nothing else, "
waited several months to receive a response or only a nod by the influential political figure who often saw on television and was considered by all one of the most promising young Italian politics, and someone suggested that he had a good chance of becoming a future prime minister. Then one day I received a letter without the sender with an unsigned note:
"You were a coward and remains a coward! Have the courage to tackle problems in the face and not run away forever! "
My friend Sandy had given me his answer. He had never forgiven myself pulled back and had decided not to go with them that fateful night. Mattered little to him that I had sacrificed himself to save his life, I had not gone along with his plan and quindi ero e rimanevo un codardo.
E pensare che io li avevo seguiti proprio per evitare che succedesse loro qualcosa e io fossi stato tacciato con quell’aggettivo dispregiativo. A pensarci, considerato che per Sandro e probabilmente per il resto dei ragazzi della piazzetta del monumento ai caduti io fossi un codardo, sarebbe stato meglio se non me lo fossi creato quel problema e me ne sarei tornato a casa mantenendo ferma la mia posizione di non commettere un’azione che ritenevo abominevole e inutile. Codardo per codardo, meglio esserlo stato restando sano.
Ma adesso è notte!
Gli ultimi anni li ho passati cercando qualche rimedio per far diventare realtà la mia idea di smettere di soffrire, sia facendo intervenire associazioni che parliamentary and popular men of all cultural and social. This idea is supported and given me the strength to go on, but now it's night! And I'm helpless against the nightmares, I have no weapons. I beat a person with the face down, and I am going to help her succeed. The other looks up and see the evil grin of a cobra ready to strike.
But often, in dreams I see the years of my youth, before the disaster, smiling for the peaceful existence that anonymous but then I got bored. They might cheer the sleep, but the memory of how my life has changed as a result makes even the best memories of the bitter memories that I'd rather not remember more, all bound into oblivion eternity.
PREFACE
The peace of the night was disturbed by wheezing breath of my breath. I look at the empty, enormous, filling my space and, by magic, from the darkness of the mind, fleeting shadows materialize, filling the room with grim laments.
Fragments of life - the time lost in the dark - tired of sleep knock at the door of sorrow on my face and stated his remorse for having wasted whole existence futile illusions behind, losing the road that leads to joy, which leads to love life.
The splendor of past thoughts completely vanished with the passage of time. I have left are only the nightmares with which the mind likes to torment me. What I do not remember any more, at times even myself. It no longer matters to anyone, not even me! I drag my tired in this new reality, surrounded by the indifferent gaze of people who can not see beyond their own eyes and knows that sometimes to stand and fight a life already discounted ed assegnata da chi crede di essere il padrone del destino degli uomini devi puntare tutto su un tavolo da gioco e rischiare di perdere la propria identità al primo tiro mancino della sfortuna. Macabra ruota è la vita, che ti illude e poi ti abbatte come se avesse solo giocato con te o ti avesse usato per chissà quale inconsapevole motivo. E intanto è già notte! Non mi resta da aspettare che il solito nefasto carico di ricordi si faccia strada nella mia disastrata mente. Le pareti all’improvviso sembrano muoversi e tante immagini olografiche si susseguono l’una all’altra, irridendomi delle mie paure per essi e dell’angoscia che mi causano. Volti mai dimenticati di gente che non ci sono più scorrono lenti, ad uno ad uno. Who looks at me grimly, compassionate people. And in any case causing me chills.
relive past actions, past mistakes.
write streams of words about the feelings that make a great man, who do believe invincible. Wasting seas of ink on the adverse moments of his fall, his stomach that tangle of pain and frustration. Anger and anxiety. But I think this - this night - with the hope of my warped mind once again broken I'll find some of my soul the strength to fight the enemy my inner me and not annihilate it.
I
The group of boys sat on the corner of the square that was once a memorial to the victims of some kind of war, and now it was only an anonymous rock covered with graffiti, used as a bench with young people who were not even born when their countrymen were dying so heroic - and perhaps unnecessary - so to merit a monument in the town square, or even know for what reason the young people of their age absurd waste their lives and become faded names on a stone ugly and deformed, that only a fool could pass for a work of art, where stands the dates of birth and of death.
The country had and has a name, but does not make sense to mention it because it is lost in the anonymity of the immense number of large of provincial towns that are known more as a geographical expression for salient events. As well as the youth group was fairly anonymous, with no special features which distinguish it from thousands of other congregations youth. It was one of many groups of kids who were struggling to emerge from the gray of a life just fine for the few and for the many tragic and anonymous.
"I can not go with you guys! If I still do later my father beat the living daylights, "
" Not excuses, "I parried one of the guys in the band, despite it was neither the biggest nor had special skills, but was considered by me and by others as a head just because the father was the former mayor of the town and had a huge wealth through illegal and legal income to his private clinic. "Tell us rather than do not want to come because you have not the courage!"
"You know that's not true, Sandro! You were there when my father filled my barrel to be returned at midnight. Not all parents are tolerant like yours. "
'Do as you think! We go, and think again if you know where to find us. "
The six boys went off with motorbikes and scooters, leaving on foot. In fact my father had never wanted to buy me any means of expression - even if it were a wreck on two wheels - with the excuse that once could not afford those luxuries, and another time for my safety reasons that last came out every time an accident happened to someone on the scooter, even if the poor guy whose turn it was hundred years old and died of a heart attack and if he were to pass close to a parked motorcycle.
It was only twenty, and Sandro had sensed that my father was just an excuse. But it was my fear! I was not a coward, and the only reason why I had pulled out of that story was because I considered it right. Two days before we were taken back by a bar owner and his staff for the noises we were doing in the room. Sandro had the cock and we all got a lot of those kicks and punches to be sufficient to ten lessons. But Sandy was not the type to easily forget such an insult they had been accustomed to have everything in life and never accepted that he was beaten as we had done the rest of the group with humility - as we were went to the search - and, even forty-eight hours later, he had already prepared his revenge would go on the back of the bar in the closing days of that and a couple of Molotov cocktails or a can of gasoline we would have burned. The other children, enthralled by the charisma of Sandro, were enthusiastic about the idea, though some of them nodded but his eyes revealed itself an unspeakable terror. Unfortunately, the pride and the desire to belong to a group allowed him to admit his fear, and gassed by a couple of joints and a few beers, even the most recalcitrant found the courage to agree.
"You are crazy reckless," redarguii them. "Consider that just two days ago we were beaten. We will be the first to be suspected. Needless to go in disguise, so we will know anyway. "
" You worry too much, "caused me blatantly Philip, the son of the police sergeant that the party was the alter ego in a negative Sandro, laughed at by everyone because he could never express a complex thought with his head and stole the ideas of others to make them his own. "The need to pay for what we have done, e poi sarà la loro parola contro la nostra. Non dimenticare che i nostri genitori sono persone che contano in questo paese e quel maledetto barista è un ex pregiudicato. Ci provasse soltanto ad accusarci e vedrai quanti problemi avrà!»
Convincerli a desistere era stato impossibile, e il risultato era che sei ragazzi di sedici e diciassette anni stavano andando incontro a guai così grossi che avrebbero rovinato le loro esistenze da lì alla morte. Se fosse successo davvero qualcosa di grave a quelli che erano i miei amici, non sarei più riuscito a guardarmi nello specchio, oltre ad essere tacciato per codardo da essi, dai loro parenti e da me stesso. Decisi di seguirli con la speranza di raggiungerli prima che combinassero qualcosa di irrimediabile and try once again to get them back on their feet.
took flight in a bus and headed towards the southern outskirts of the town, down a few blocks before the bar in question. The area was almost deserted because it was composed mostly of warehouses and small factories of craftsmen at that time were closed. The owner of the premises, as well as work in the morning and at lunch time with workers and employees of many companies around, took advantage of the quiet night to make his bar a discreet and intimate meeting place for couples or individuals who wish to go unnoticed.
No sign was on the cross and the whole area was submerged in darkness. I walked gingerly on the back of the room where you could see a slight glow. Arriving at the corner of the courtyard looked out and saw two men armed with pistols that the headlights of a car held at gunpoint my friends, piled against the wall, not far from some fruit boxes on fire and extinguished with a fire hydrant still done on the ground. Likely that the boys were caught while they were carrying out the plan concocted by Sandro and were captured by men who were frightened not only by guns but by their hard and grim expressions.
The boys had good reason to tremble like the leaves and hugging with each other to search for a minimum of protection, was no longer a game, and the proof was right before their eyes, not far from the group was another man - whom I recognized as the owner of the bar - intent on punching and kicking Sandro, who was unable to defend themselves or protect themselves from the hail of blows as almost completely devoid of meaning. The two guns terrorized the other five guys that could not even lift a finger in defense of his or pronounce words in his defense despite the man literally killing themselves. And all the political and economic weight of the famous parent could not do anything to escape the blind fury of the man who struck him in the head and body, maybe without even realizing that one shot of those could kill him. I could not watch impassively on the scene and left the corner buio urlando e inveendo contro l’uomo che stava uccidendo il mio migliore amico. Gli saltai addosso scaraventandolo a terra, rimanendo avvinghiato a lui affinché i due suoi compagni armati non potessero usare le loro armi per colpirmi.
Il proprietario del bar, ripresosi dalla sorpresa, riuscì a infilare una mano nella tasca posteriore dei pantaloni e tirare un coltello a scatto. Fu più la paura di essere colpito che non la lucidità a far sì che afferrassi saldamente la mano armata dell’altro e l’alzassi di colpo per allontanarla dal mio stomaco. E fu per una vera casualità che il coltello si conficcasse proprio sotto lo sterno dell’uomo, sparendo del tutto nel suo corpo.
Vistolo immobile, mi allontanai by him, forgetting all the other two men armed with shock caused me by thinking that the man had died by my hand, giving them the ability to shoot without fail. More than the pain of the bullets that I stuck in the side, back and thigh, were just what I heard the roar of gunfire and the screams of my friends. I lifted my face and saw the two men fled - probably they were affected or their weapons were not reported - only to see nothing but darkness. A darkness so thick that no night or no underground cave can ever create.
II
I opened my eyes finding myself in a hospital room. But perhaps I should accurately dire che socchiusi appena gli occhi, procurandomi parecchio dolore per quel semplice movimento. Come se le palpebre avessero perduto elasticità per non essere state usate per molto tempo. E così era stato! Ero stato in coma per quasi due anni, come seppi in seguito. Appena riuscii a focalizzare la scena nella stanza, vidi seduto su una sedia a sdraio il mio burbero e severo padre che sembrava invecchiato di venti anni dall’ultima volta che l’avessi visto. Lo guardai solo per un attimo nella sua posizione semisdraiata e capii allora che le volte che mi prendeva la mano e mi parlava piangendo come un bambino non era stato un sogno. Era mio padre che mi sussurrava di non arrendermi e di trovare in fondo alla mia anima la forza per superare quella terribile agonia. My father was my savior! And the severity of his parent was not a lack of love for her only son but was due to the fear that I did not grow up as he considers just and as it deems appropriate based on its civic education and its mentality.
Great was his joy when I opened my eyes completely and tried to articulate a few words, having only to make a sound hoarse and out of tune. But God! Because even if I could move some fingers, I could not get up and return his embrace? What had happened to me? I knew in the days following what had really happened, and what happened after I fainted. Me and the bartender we were found only in the morning after by attendants who had come to open the bar. We were taken to hospital where the bartender bled to death and I went into a coma. If instead of escaping my friends or friends of the bartender had alerted someone and they help only a couple of hours before, the man would survive and I would not have come so close to death.
Among the tears my father told me about those terrible months. The shame that tried him and my whole family when investigators said the shooting on the news that will surely el'accoltellamento was a settling of scores or a dirty story where the young drug dealer had killed his wholesaler - affected by issues relating to the store and possession of drugs - And had been wounded by accomplices of the latter.
"So now I'll end up in jail?" I asked my sweet parents who had always dreamed for a better future, the only son of his. There were tears in his answer and at the same time I had the answer to why I could barely move his head and hands and felt my body finally just after the bust. I followed her gaze anguished stood leaning against the wall to a wheelchair, and was not more words, explanations are no longer needed.
"Nooo!" I shouted with what little breath I had in my throat.
Not so! It was not fair that it should end my life! But the hours in which the lumbar vertebrae was leaked il midollo spinale erano state troppe, e se pure ci fosse stata una sola possibilità per salvarmi le gambe, mi era stata preclusa dalla codardia dei miei amici che mi avevano abbandonato come un cane rognoso fra le cassette della frutta bruciate da loro stessi.
L’unica speranza che i medici avevano dato ai miei genitori era che dopo l’uscita dal coma avvenisse un miracolo e i miei organi vitali incominciassero a funzionare meglio, ma i miracoli si contano sulle dita, e non era scritto che per me ci potesse essere un motivo per sperare in un miglioramento. Anzi la diagnosi fu che con il tempo la paralisi degenerasse e io sarei arrivato ad essere completamente paralizzato tanto da dover essere nutrito dalle macchine.
III
The next twenty years were spent trying to create me my own little world, despite the physical handicap, and although it is more politically correct to define a differently-abled, according to the psychologist's my biggest problem was always that I felt a person with a serious handicap and did not accept the resignation with my condition. The soccer field and the square where we had been chasing too vivid in my mind, and any day of my tortured existence I could forget those happy years. I wanted to say not once but a hundred times to a specialist who followed me and wrote page after page on my mental state, what he had done if he were in my place. How could I accept it? But in the meantime vivevo la mia triste esistenza, confortato dalla mia famiglia che aveva votato la propria esistenza per lo sfortunato parente che non riusciva ad accettare quella sua condizione fisica e sempre di più si esasperava e si disperava.
Una volte mi venne in mente di ripulire il mio nome da tutto il fango che ci avevano buttato sopra gli inquirenti e i giornali e raccontai ad un avvocato tutta la faccenda del mio incidente dopo che fossi stato zitto per oltre un ventennio. Lui disse che conveniva prima rivolgersi a qualche magistrato conosciuto per vedere se fosse stato possibile riaprire un’inchiesta chiusa tanti anni prima. Gli diedi i nomi degli altri ragazzi presenti la sera del dramma, talora potessero essere rintracciati e con le loro dichiarazioni a conforto delle mie parole fosse stato più facile convincere il magistrato di riaprire l’inchiesta, ma ebbi l’effetto contrario e il professionista deglutì di colpo leggendo quei nomi. Il suo amico magistrato era proprio Filippo, il figlio del maresciallo che io rispettavo meno di niente poiché era sempre stato pronto a mettersi dalla parte dei forti per vessare i più deboli. Considerando il suo carattere, era impensabile che lui si mettesse a difendere i deboli ma più probabilmente li avesse vessati ulteriormente divenendo ancor di più un servo dei potenti, sfruttando il suo ruolo di magistrato. L’altro nome che aveva lasciato basito il legale, ancor di più di sapere che uno di quei ragazzi che egli stesso aveva appena criticato aspramente, hearing my story, was his friend, judge, was that of my dear friend Sandy, who became the first doctor and then political, emulating his father in everything, even in the current policy.
What did my office, after exacting a substantial deposit for the first expenses, nearly squandering the current account of my father and little savings they had accumulated personally with my small disability pension, was to deceive us by saying that for months had moved heaven and earth, when in the end we found out from the Registry of the court that he had not filed any application or request to anyone and his only words were spoken to the wind. But after so many years of silence had become imperative in my desire to clarify the history and rehabilitate my name. Aware that my lawyer would not lift a finger and was also so cunning to come asking for more money, hoping to trick me further, I wrote personally to Philip and Sandra, a blatantly threatening my statement of facts by the press or by some tabloid , muddying their names to avenge that years earlier had been put to shame my name because of their recklessness.
Philip replied to my letter with another letter, not even deserve a phone call, writing that a person suspected of being part of a gang of drug dealers, who had spotted the bargain of a heinous crime such as murder and that, moreover, because of his physical disability had not even paid for their crime had nothing in common, and he was sure of not having ever known in my youth. Sandy sent me a lawyer threatened to sue the other times I meant to tell absurd version of the fruit of my sick imagination. So I prayed to her lawyer to give him a letter, which in the name of that once bound us and my attempt to save his life that had caused so many misfortunes, I asked him to give me a hand in the project I had in mind.
"Dear friend," he wrote. "I ask you one big favor: to cause to be taken into consideration my request to end this daily torment and I are given the opportunity to decide myself of my life now that my mental faculties are still in operation and are considered capable of consent. My illness is irreversible and I will soon be reduced to a vegetable. Before that I would like to end my existence chemically. I am aware that your current policy - Close to Catholics and conservatives - has always been opposed to euthanasia, and have always fought even living wills. But I remember in the old days I call to give me a hand. I ask only the freedom to die keeping my dignity as a man. Nothing else, "
waited several months to receive a response or only a nod by the influential political figure who often saw on television and was considered by all one of the most promising young Italian politics, and someone suggested that he had a good chance of becoming a future prime minister. Then one day I received a letter without the sender with an unsigned note:
"You were a coward and remains a coward! Have the courage to tackle problems in the face and not run away forever! "
My friend Sandy had given me his answer. He had never forgiven myself pulled back and had decided not to go with them that fateful night. Mattered little to him that I had sacrificed himself to save his life, I had not gone along with his plan and quindi ero e rimanevo un codardo.
E pensare che io li avevo seguiti proprio per evitare che succedesse loro qualcosa e io fossi stato tacciato con quell’aggettivo dispregiativo. A pensarci, considerato che per Sandro e probabilmente per il resto dei ragazzi della piazzetta del monumento ai caduti io fossi un codardo, sarebbe stato meglio se non me lo fossi creato quel problema e me ne sarei tornato a casa mantenendo ferma la mia posizione di non commettere un’azione che ritenevo abominevole e inutile. Codardo per codardo, meglio esserlo stato restando sano.
Ma adesso è notte!
Gli ultimi anni li ho passati cercando qualche rimedio per far diventare realtà la mia idea di smettere di soffrire, sia facendo intervenire associazioni che parliamentary and popular men of all cultural and social. This idea is supported and given me the strength to go on, but now it's night! And I'm helpless against the nightmares, I have no weapons. I beat a person with the face down, and I am going to help her succeed. The other looks up and see the evil grin of a cobra ready to strike.
But often, in dreams I see the years of my youth, before the disaster, smiling for the peaceful existence that anonymous but then I got bored. They might cheer the sleep, but the memory of how my life has changed as a result makes even the best memories of the bitter memories that I'd rather not remember more, all bound into oblivion eternity.
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